The Spy Who Loved Me

Friday
The arrival of the kapitan, Le Chez, Mediterranean nights, The Cafe Love.

You may not be able to accept all of this, but every word is the truth. The Kapitan arrived on Friday looking suspiciously fresh for someone who had just flown across the Pacific. So we got his bags stowed away at the Pickle, had a quick greasy breakfast and then headed for Luton to catch the plane for our secret mission.

Things did not get off to a good start when we arrived at Luton Parkway train station to find out we had the wrong tickets for that train, the kapitan took the ticket guy off to the side and made him an offer he couldn't refuse- the ticket guy let us through. I'm not sure what secret agent skills he used to talk our way past the ticket guy, but it goes to show the kind of power that the great man wields.

Finally though we were on the plane and ready to go, but apparently EasyJet had made some sort of mistake with their scheduling so that our plane couldn't take off for over an hour after it was supposed to take off, eventually though the stalling weekend got on its way and we were off on our way to the south of France.

I had spent some time in the week leading up to the mission trying to work out how the flight details would work. Headquarters told me we would be leaving Luton at 2 and arriving in the Cote d'Azzure at 5, but on the way back we would be leaving the Med at 9 and getting back at 10. How could this happen? I wondered, luckily the Kapitan is a very experienced international man of mystery so quickly cleared this up for me by explaining the existence of time zones, the penny dropped!

Anyways, thanks to the EasyJet stuff up we didn't get into Nice until 6 pm, so when we finally got to the hotel, the kapitan went to sleep. At first I was worried, had he been poisoned? had one of our enemies got to us? No it just turns out he had been traveling for something like one hundred and forty hours so needed a sleep. I was left with the challenge of going out into the mean streets of Nice to find the third member of our mission team, Mace Windo the Kapitans personal chef (when your a spy with so many enemies it is important that you don't allow just anyone to touch your food).

Armed with three years of school boy French and the first three CD's of the Michel Thomas French program I was very confident in my ability to navigate around the town, unfortunately my Mobile Phone credit ran out, but as luck would have it Mace managed to find his way to the Hotel Beau Rivage all by himself, we quickly went to the bar to sort out a plan for the best way to support the kapitan on his secret mission. It turned out my French was good enough to order beers but was not good enough to make friends with the young French babes who were also at the bar, Mace's French also wasn't good enough for this purpose (although sometimes I wonder if our English would have been good enough for those babes). After a few beers we decided to wake up the Kapitan and get this mission started.

(The lads in the elevator with it all in front of them)

We headed off into the heart of Nice, the Kapitan wouldn't tell us what our mission was but it seemed to involve a lot of waiting around sitting in bars. The best bar was called the Cafe du Love which is on the main mall just down from the Med. Eventually we decided we needed food, so as you do whenever you visit a new country for the first time we went to Macdee's to try the Big Mac's. Most excitingly the Kapitan and Mace were able to have Le Royal's with Cheese(for those with no pop culture at all that is a Pulp Fiction reference) it was very exciting. After dinner the mission got serious for a moment we were looking for something, I'm not sure what it was but the Kapitan led the way and seemed very confident that he knew what he was doing, but basically we just walked around for a long, long time looking for a club, we didn't find one for hours, but I guess that is just the life of a secret agent. Eventually we found a likely looking club called the Dancing Discotheque- we went in. Unfortunately it wasn't the greatest club in the world so after a quick drink we headed home- the mission was not going well.

Saturday
Continental Breakfast, the TGV, Rain, A visit from God, Casino Royale, Loews, We make it to the Harbour, Q and A with Sir Stirling Moss, Fear and Loathing at Rascasse, Deleted Scenes.

(Kloss and Mace at le Cafe)

I woke up early and headed down for a quick dip in the Med, as you do, finally the Kapitan and Mace managed to get themselves out of bed and we headed off towards Monaco. A quick breakfast at the cafe, then the old TGV into the principality. Unfortunately when we got to the track it was raining, but that was all right cause it meant the practice was a little more exciting with some monkeys trying out wets and others on inter's- chaos ensued.

(Yes those are the pits)

Anyways once practice was over we went to find the Chef (who didn't have tickets) but being the rocking roller that he is he managed to get into the same area as us, so we went to the bar. Now being an international spy has benefits, one of which is that you get back stage access to certain things, so we all went for a walk upto the paddock, which is where we saw Adrian Sutil, Nick Heidfeld, and to top it off - The Rat Nicki Lauda (the burns look worse in real life). Anyways we killed the few hours till qualifying drinking, and taking photos of the boats in the harbour (Massive- more on this to come) and slapping each other on the back for being so Awesome. I'm not sure that much secret agent action went on, although the kapitan did spend a lot of time using his telephoto lense and at one point disappeared for a short while.

(SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME WORLD CHAMPION (and all round nice guy))

Qualifying came along and was probably the most exciting motor racing period of the weekend. Q2 was absolutely fucking amazing- Kimi managed to clip the exit of Le Piscine (just up from where we were sitting) and then we had a great view of the Ferrari guys trying to get his axle fixed in the pits- they couldn't do it. Q1 was also fun as we were all going Aussie Mark crazy and he didn't disappoint (unlike Massa) by grabbing 6th place- could he win the next day? (more on this later) The other magic thing he did was make his car about three times wider for three corners during old Lewy Lewies flying lap- result he started second.

Once qualifying was done we were done with motor sports for the day, a change came over the Kapitan as he refocused on the job at hand. He immediately commanded the Chef to take us to the Casino- it was time for action. 1 hour 15 minutes later we had walked all the way around Monaco (up a massive hill- great views) and finally got to the Casino, the enemy was inside I could feel it. In we walked to one of the most famous gambling houses in the world and we were surprised to be asked for our passports. The kapitan handed over a passport for someone called Jim Lovell, I was about to comment that it wasn't his name but the chef quickly silenced me. When it was his turn the Chef tried to talk his way in, but eventually refused to give his passport- not letting any Itai wannabe get my details- he muttered as he stormed out. I was worried but the kaptian looked relaxed- I realized that the Chef was probably going to get us some back up.

We wondered into the bar, taking my cue from the rest of the day I went to order some lagers, but the kapitan (more experienced in these surroundings then I) quickly silenced me and ordered up a couple of 50 Euro a glass whiskeys. I quickly got the picture so when we got to the first table I threw a 100 euro on the table and got some chips, but apparently we weren't supposed to play roulette as the kapitan took over and subsequently went four spins without a dime coming our way- we were cleaned out.

We went to the cashier and the play all of a sudden became obvious when the Kapitan asked for a single 10 000 Euro chip- we were going to scare the enemy out of hiding by taking the ultimate gamble. But our enemies had all ready gotten to the Casino and they refused to cover the bet - undeterred the Kapitan muttered we'll do this the hard way and sat down at the Black Jack- Worried by his poor showing at Roulette I quickly sat down with him someone needed to carry the team at the gambling.

In the early shoes I was right to be worried, the kapitan was rubbish- he seemed on edge constantly eyeing off the two other people at our table- a smooth looking Frenchie who was sitting in position one and taking some outrageous hits and a huge fat man in a tuxedo sitting on the end playing very smart. At first I thought the Frenchie had to be the enemy but then noticed he was wearing what is obviously an Interpol issue Cartier watch, identical to the Kapitans, he must have been the back up the Chef was organising. The fat man played cagey some big hands some missed hands- I suddenly knew he was the enemey.

Slowly the pressure built, no one winning much but no one blinking, until finally (and thank the lord for non automatic shufflers) I realized the count was getting high, I doubled. The kapitan realized the single and the next hand immediately got involved. The fat man was no slouch himself and immediately hit a 21 by hitting on 16, but that was to be his last mistake. The kapitan looked out raged that he had taken such an insane risk and somehow managed to go on a run of four black jacks in a row. I went a long for the ride and suddenly we were a net 1500 Euro up, the fat man was wiped out.

Enemey defeated (or so I thought) we got up and went out to find the Chef.

(The exit of Lowes)

Outside the Chef had been busy, he had organised us entry to a party on a Yacht. So we headed off down the track, taking some time out to ham it up in the hairpin and then the Tunnel (the kapitan was elated after his victory over the fat man) and then finally we got to the Yacht.

The Lady Anna of Fire was to be our vessel, all 120 feet of pure opulence, but most importantly an open bar. I got quickly to work at the bar and with some of the old ducks on the boat, I was also excellently verbose when the Great Sir Stirling Moss came on board for some Q and A, but out of my sight the kapitan couldn't relax. He could sense the fear approaching- that is why he has spent so many years at spy school.

One minute I was standing there happy as larry and the next the kapitan and chef had grabbed me and told me we had to get out of their- Why? - I asked. Can't you feel it man - the kapitan hissed - the fear is all around us. We walked off the marina and rejoined the track at the Swimming Pool, by the time we got to Rascasse even I could feel it. The fear struck at what it thought was the weakest member of our party- the Chef, but when I was busy laughing at him it deflected its attack and grabbed me. Caught unawares I was swept up into the maddening rush of a full blown attack of the FEAR, our mission was in jeopardy.

DELETED SCENES DELETED SCENES DELETED SCENES DELETED SCENES

Sunday
The Worlds most Expensive Cab Ride, Here's to You Mrs Riakonin, The Full Spread, Mclaren Cheats, Don't Fly Easy Jet into Stanstead.

(The Kapitan caught on film, standing in front of the Med)

I awoke feeling bad and remembering less, but the Kapitan seemed in fine spirits- with our fine victory over the Fat Man and our battle with the Fear only resulting in one casulaty he seemed to think the mission was a success. We headed off for the Train to meet the chef only to find out that he was missing. Not wanting to be late for the party on our Yacht the Kapitan pressed a button on his watch and immediatly a cab appeared. The Chef had told us that Antibe (his home base) was only ten minutes down the road- 30 minutes later we met him at the station. By the time we got to Port Fontville to meet our tender the cab charge had risen to 180 Euro- I was ready to do a runner, but apparently Interpol has budget for this kind of thing (run through their covering company Mint Finance).

We then went down to face the challenge of finding our tender in a very French speaking part of France. But luckily your B A Tron is such an affable mother fucker he quickly made friends with old Willi Opitz, owner operator of Willi Oppitz wines, and friend to such luminaries as Kimi Riakonin and Bill Clinton (and one of the few people to ever hand feed the Kapitan honey due soaked in white wine( I strongly recommend his Kiss range- brilliant)). The affable Austrian, on his 11th visit to the Lady Anna quickly put us on track. Although we were very surprised when we got on the tender to find out we were cooling out jets because we were waiting for Mrs Riakonin, we were a little put off until we saw her, and let me tell you gentlemen she was a ten like you've never seen before.

(I thought it was John Cusak but the lads assure me that thats Ashton Kutcher)

The only other interesting story to come out of Port Fontville was when we saw Ashton Kutcher (or it may have been Jude Law) on the tender across from ours- the lads tell me he is a famous singer, but I'm not that interested in that kind of thing. Anyways the tender took us into the majestic Monaco harbor and once we had dropped Mrs Riakonin at her boat we went round to the Lady Anna and were happy to find out that the bar was open- good times.

(They know how to put on a spread on the Lady Anna of Fire)

Not much happened for a few hours, we pressed flesh, drank, then lunch came out- a good spread (see photo). We can recommend the Mediterranean Sail Fish (nearest the fork) as well as the the Cumin and Paprika three bean salad- tout le monde. The Tofu (I was drunk) was awful.

(We could see the famous entry to the Swimming pool from the other side of the boat but after McLaren cheated (like all Mercedes drivers) we watched the big screen in the hope they would change the channel)

Finally the race started and we settled down for what could have been one of the greatest sporting events ever (who will ever forget the 02 race when Colhtard held up a possession of six cars for 33 laps with a gap 1 to 6 of a little under five seconds) but No the Mclarens (read Lewis Hamilton the spineless Brit jerk (read the same as Princess Zara)) decided not to race. two hours alter the race was over- luckily the bar girls were busy during the race so they let me start free pouring my Bacardi's- that 1820 Bacardi (or whatever) is really quite good.

Anyways, by the end of the race your B A Tron was quite inebriated. After the race we tried our hand with some old ducks, then some younger ducks, then we just resorted to drinking Willi the Winemakers fine wines- there good I tell you. Anyways, the famous glint finally returned to the Kapitans eye and he started calling around to change our flight untill the next day- but eventually cooler heads (and the fact that when I switched to Bicardi he switched to water) prevailed- we left the Lady Anna of Fire with heavy hearts and headed for the Nice airport and home.

The reporting of the party on the boat has been deliberately sparse- I was never good enough at school boy English, and no one who has never been there could ever possibly understand what it means to stand on a super yacht, surrounded by other super yachts (with super women in little clothing) watching the words greatest sporting event can feel like. I will leave it to your imaginations.

Anyways we got to Nice to find our flight delayed, it was midnight and raining by the time we got to Stanstead- no stories except BA stayed on the piss whilst the kapitan nursed a coke, and their was a brief moment of the Ragged Edge on the plane when I made a dash to the john fearing a visit from my insides- but I managed to keep it in.

Arriving after midnight meant the train had stopped so we had to catch a bus- I finally arrived at the Pickle at 2:30 am, the Kapitan at the Soho Hotel at 3:30. All in all easily one of the Top 5 weekends of all time.

Dr No

so the call finally came through, after a 5 year apprenticeship, hovering as it were on the edges of a world hidden from view, Kapitan Kloss has finally called me up to help him out with one of his dangerous missions.

wE have a long history of near misses and close calls together, but never in the line of official duties, and never on the international scene. Oh there was that time I came across him in Praha, but he wouldn't let me in on the secret mission that time.

But not this week, I got the call a few weeks ago, very low on specifics, but I was told by a muffled voice coming out of my computer to be at a certain point on a certain day ready for international travel. I got few more details, the Kapitan would be using his most favored disguise that of 'everybody's favorite millionaire' whilst I was to develop a similar personer, one that would allow me to fly under the radar in a European city. The only other piece of information I received was that the Kapitans' able man servant and chef, Mace Windo may also make an appearance.

Naturally I was intrigued, a weekend mission with the kapitan somewhere on the continent. Where would we be going? What would be our mission? Who would be our Mark? Do spies still use the term Mark? the questions were endless.

So what have I been doing since I found got the call? practicing.

Many people who know me understand that I am a little bit of a perfectionist in everything I do, and naturally with the chance to be the kapitans wingman on a mission of international significance I do not want to let the team down. So I have spent my days (and nights) practicing all the skills important to international men of mystery.

First there was skulking, a lot of hanging around dark alleyways and just behind corners following random people. But since the whole madeline thing its been a little bit un pc to randomly follow people in the uk so I have had to give up that practice.

I ran into the same problem with my photography practice, any good spy must be able to take surveillance's without being noticed, but I had some trouble coming up with the right technique, when people noticed the camera in my hat that day in the park I thought I would be lynched...

Then there was romancing beautiful women- I have never seen a spy who hasn't had to charm (literally) the pants of an evil seductress at some point to get the mission done, so I have been spending my evenings in various wine bars working on my smooth talk and practicing the A smile - I think there should be no problems when the euro babes get to meet B A Tron.

So that's the state of play. i am prepared to do anything to make this mission a success. I will report in over the weekend to try and give you an indepth account of what life is really like when your deep undercover saving the world from all manner of evil doers. If you hear any strange sounding news stories coming out of Europe this weekend you can rest easy knowing that the Kapitan and his new side kick are on the case.

Super 14 Final blog

Am sitting on the couch watching the Super 14 Final and decided to right a bit of a minute by minute style post.

The Sharks are playing the better football so far (14 mins in) but the mighty Piere Spiers who I have in my test rugby team:

FR	Gary Botha	BUL	0	0	$1,590,000
FR	John Smit	SHK	270	270	$1,222,500
	LK	Victor Matfield	BUL	0	0	$1,415,000
	LK	Johan Muller	SHK	290	290	$1,450,000
	LF	Jaques Botes	SHK	0	0	$1,110,000
	LF	Pierre Spies	BUL	170	170	$1,360,000
	HV	Derek Hougaard	BUL	260	260	$1,527,500
	HV	Butch James	SHK	0	0	$1,167,500
	CT	Bradley Barritt	SHK	90	90	$1,167,500
	CT	Waylon Murray	SHK	0	0	$1,157,500
	OB	Percy Montgomery	SHK	0	140	$1,435,000
	OB	JP Pietersen	SHK	210	1535

Thats the squad - really I can't loose at the moment the others are so far behind- worlds best fantasy manager = b A Tron. But we need those players to do well. Unfortunatly JP Pietersen just gave away a penalty.

Anways score 7-3 will post again soon.

3:30 - Hooray Pietersen just redemeed himself and scored- what pace. 12 Tries for the season- Note Tiquiri 1 - need I say more

3:31 - ok so Percy missed the kick :( score 8-7 22 minutes in.

Let me tell you about what I am doing, my screen is divided into four parts in the left top corner is the Super 14 final thanks to livesporton.tv, in the bottom left hand screen is the Star Sports coverage of the FA Cup (thanks to ppm mate) - at the moment where 30 minutes out from the kick off and they are talking about the teams I think. In the bottom right corner is the Lois Vitton cup - at the moment Luna Rosso is beating BMW Oracle- Can you believe it- Valencia looks very appealing right now. Although can anyone beat Alinghi? I doubt it. (thats thanks to tvants) in the top corner is firefox, obviously with blogger open, aswell as bbc sport with the cricket over by over

npower Test Match Series: England v West Indies
17-05-2007 at Lord's, Day 3 of 5

In Play

West Indies won the toss and decided to field

England 1st Innings 553 for 5 (142.0 overs)

West Indies 1st Innings 155 for 3 (41.1 overs)

current score - come on the windies, can anyone believe Bell got a hundred- fucking worst cricket player in the world. Although I like the new keeper. Other web site is the cyclingnews.com covering the Giro for us:

Current race situation

• Rubens Bertogliati (Saunier Duval-Prodir), Beñat Albizuri (Euskaltel-Euskadi), Fabien Patanchon (Française Des Jeux)
• Elio Aggiano (Tinkoff Credit Systems) at 39"
• Peloton at 58"

Go the mighty T Mobile- unlikely to loose the pink jersey today. Unfortunatly my stream for the Giro is working today so I cant watch it :(, but I do have the audio from Eurosport that I am checking everynow and then.

We are also currently torrenting- Joe Knorks wants to watch Pride and Predijuce (no idea) so I am downloading that, but with everything I have open am only averaging about 20 kbs.

Apparently Wayne Rooney is one to watch in the FA Cup- surprise? oh yeah- KAKA to score 3 and Liverpool to loose the championns trophey.

John Smit just had a field goal attempt that almost went over- interesting- Percy is about to kick a penalty- Go Sharks!

Oh Ashes just posted on my Facebook I will be back in a minute after I read taht!
I also have my google desktop open - oh ashes just posted on my Facebook

Ashes says go the sharks- I said yeah baby! Percy kicked the penalty but then the bulls did too, current score 11-10 (31 minutes) JP Pieterson chasing from the kick off has been outstanding- mashed matfield just now.

3:42- You can always relie on Dion Karstens to make a few metres...

Penalty Sharks- going for goal.

JOSE is being interviewed- lets listen he thinks Eissen won't go that well at central defendder- that injury is a big problem for the blues- I think the reds might win.

Is JOSE the coolest manager in teh history of sport- despite the fact I agree with the faithful at Graven Cottage and hate the Chelsea- I do like Jose.

No Fergusen is on- I am snoring. He likes the new Wembley- Surprise.

Percy got the goal 14-10 sharks 35 minutes

BMW is closer in the sailing.

West Indies 1st Innings

165 for 3 (44.0 overs)

Current race situation

• Rubens Bertogliati (Saunier Duval-Prodir), Beñat Albizuri (Euskaltel-Euskadi), Fabien Patanchon (Française Des Jeux)
• Elio Aggiano (Tinkoff Credit Systems) at 39"
• Peloton at 58"

The pack is going to catch the break away soon. Robbie McCewan has been in some up and down form, won well the other day, but then got out strategised the next day.

isn't the spelling bad when we go live.

Percy just missed a penalty kick- c'mon percy- Pieterson just monstered Houugarrd.

Photo of humprhies at the airport saying good bye to me just went by on the side bar. a) how come more people didn't come to say good bye, b) does humprhies look like the guy from REM who got the aides? I vote yes!

Half Time- Sharks 14 Bulls 10.

I think the Sharks are doing the best. Lynagh thinks the sharks deserve their lead, and are exciting and are having a dig. The bulls are nervous and giving away silly penalties.

Niel De Cock (funny name) agrees the sharks are playing brilliantly.

They just showed some footage from in side Wembley- there is fuck all people there, I thought it started at 3...

Peter Cech- very good goal keeper- stupid head gear though.

I thiink Luna Rosso are going to win!

Really the FA Cup final is a bit rediculous- poor old Spurs- 3-1 we lead at Stamford Bridge- how did we let Chelsea back in- 10 centremetres is all lennon missed with that final goal- it would have been us in the final if that had gone in :( oh well, at least we made it into Eufa and we look like we will keep the Mighty Berbatov- My vote for best player in the world, even if he does wear a head band.

the players are about to come out onto the field- not a John Terry fan. Oh a cross to a reporter standing on a boat closer to the yachts- he is talking spanish but I think he is saying that Luna Rosso are looking good. and that the yanks are shit- I love the bit in sailing where one team tacks one way and the other tacks the other way- Excellent.

In the back ground you can see the NZ team warming up- I think they will end up getting to the big dance- Emirates are a canny sponser if you know what I mean.

Whats it like being the Queen when everyone sings god save the queen? maybe she's not there- it looks like William is there- he is singing, does he sing god save my nan?

The NZ team just went straight through the middle of the two boats- maybe they are lost- it was a bit like the time in top gun when they buzz the mig 28's - now that is a movie.

Sharks 57% possessions, Bulls 42 tackles to the Sharks 24. interesting- What will the wind do in the second half?

Is there a moto gp this weekend? how about young Casey Stoner- Could we all be about to get interested in Bikes again? bring back Doohen.

Lynagh thinks the bench's will be important- Fuck I am sick of hearing about the fact they used to work with Bob Skinstad- get over it, he has gone back to the light side again you media jerks!

Another wicket- Mad Monty is doing his thing-

West Indies 1st Innings

173 for 4 (47.0 overs)

15:55 CEST
Reader Sergio Azkarate wrote in an predicted the top three:
1-Hushovd
2-Petacchi
3-Napolitano

Current race situation

• Peloton together

Picking Hushovd to win- brave pick choosing the current world champ 35 km's out from the finish.

I pick Robbie M- cause I am an Aussie.

Play has started at wembley- Drogba to score a goal (another brave call)

Hougard kicking from a mile out.

3:05 - He missed- Short in kicking as in life.

Garry Botha makes a break- they don't score- the Saffies certainly love to off load in the tackle, I hope J Connely is watching.

Meanwhile the Reddies look good to resign Holmes GD and Squeak Moore- good news- Sharks wooden spoon two years ago - comeon reddies in 09!

ohh the new Office episode torrent is available

3:10 - I would just like to point out that I don't do anything with those torrents, I just like to know they are available...

It turns out there are two sailing races on at the same time- good tracker at the America's cup page. Luna Rossa is up by 48 seconds after the second check, the Kiwi's are up over the spanish by 50 seconds at the same marker.

You need to be the first to win 5 races I think to win the louis vitton cup.

No score at wembley- are the players letting the occasion get to them? who cares?

Loyd Phillips dives- no surprise

Monty is average under the high ball today

The free kick was badly taken.

3:15 pm

What's happening- the rugby is becoming an arm wrestle... a try could break it apart. either way.

Steve Walsh has been a ref for 10 years- where does the time go? how has he avoided the snipers?

Habana almost makes a break- but nothing.

Cech clears the ball, Drogba pressures the Utd keeper.

nothing changes at the sailing

Rooney misses an easy goal opp in the 15th minutes, maybe off side.

Sharks building momementum- then kick it away.

West Indies 1st Innings

187 for 4 (52.1 overs)

Wait- almost a try- no

16:17 CEST 244km/10km to go
Cioni is on the front for McEwen.

Current race situation

• Peloton led by Quickstep

the art of cycling is reading the play.

Damm can't get the 3d animations on the America's Cup page to work :(

18 minutes in the soccer- nothing

There is a moto gp - Colin Edwards on pole- Casey second, and the Doctor 4th - should be a good race.

Now the bulls might score- this would be interesting.

NO

Derek Hougarrd kicks the goal- score- 14-13 61 minutes

I predict the sharks to win by 9.

Maybe time for some substitutes

We appear to have lost our stream at the soccer- maybe its just cause soccer is boring - no, we've lost the stream.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

Bob Skinstad comes on- Go Bobby. Sharks are getting near the line

Knock on!

How about those saffer loose forwards- Schalk, Watson, Venter, Spiers, Van Nierkirk (or is he injured) Floors, the bulls number 8 whose name I ahve forgotten, Juan SMith- good players all

Really a solid pack.

and a mix of lightning quick and big heavy backs

and some decent field goal options - everyone knows BA Tron's reciepe for a world cup success...

Although I say that every time. How many darkies do they have to have in their side? Pieterson, Habana, maybe a prop- but there are a lot of really good white guys in SA rugby at the moment- should be interesting- is Franz Stein better then Habana?

James knocks on in goal- he is a silly monkey

this could change the whole thing...

The team that scores the most points will most likely win.

3:30 pm- Penalty - this Bulls could be in the lead.

No its too the sharks- that Steve Walsh sure can referee

The old sharks sure do love to chase their kicks- big effort by all.

the Kiwi's are up by a minute, adn the Luna Rosso's (ities?) are up by 56 seconds- Call it off through the mercy rule.

Real Player is the stupidest media player in the world.

West Indies 1st Innings

203 for 5 (56.3 overs)

Monty again- that follow on mark is a long way away!

in other cricket news Tendulkar got century number 36 today

9 minutes left this game is in the balance

Will vunder west hizen ? make the boks team- there are some very good players, and percy is a banker.

3:36 pm - Still nil nil in the fa cup

we have lost the feed, I tried to get it with tv ants so lost the sailing :(

Vunder west hizen just kicked a terrible field goal attempt- the blues needed to hold onto the ball more and just wait for the penalty.

HUGE scrum for the Sharks- stole the ball, that will be a big point- look for the sharks to paly the rest of the game in their 22 - 4 minutes to go.

Sharks looking good to score soon

must be a drop goal here

Someone just dived over the line, but without hte ball, I almost spilt some beer.

Provisional Results

1 Alessandro Petacchi (Ita) Milram
2 Thor Hushovd (Nor) Crédit Agricole
3 Paolo Bettini (Ita) Quickstep-Innergetic
4 Danilo Napolitano (Ita) Lampre-Fondital
5 José Joaquín Rojas (Spa) Caisse d'Epargne
6 Alexandre Usov (Blr) Ag2r Prévoyance
7 Maximiliano Richeze (Arg) Ceramica Panaria-Navigare

14 McEwen

TRY - the sharks score to seal the victory- Great Final!

3:45 pm - A message from Joe Knorks- We are meeting cousin Judith for lunch tomorrow.

We are back with ppm mate- nil all

Luna Rosso wins- BMW oracle guys look sad. from the reports I think they false started- stupid yanks

The bulls might score


No - huge tackle on ndungani.

The bulls are going all out

HABANA TRY!!!! Oh my god - what a run.

3:47 - oh jeez- steyn missed the conversion before- this is for the victory- should be FT. He runs in, no he doesn't the sharks charged early

Goal- they win, the bulls win, what an amazing victory.



3:50 pm- Jaco Vun Der West Hizen climbs on the goal posts- what an incredible finish. The sharks were the better side for mine, but that was pretty cool.

I think this might make timmy the victor in the tipping contest- my inside word was that he was going for the Bulls.

The big question is what did Pietermen do- I would hate to drop another position.

My test rugby team was full of sharks- but I don't think anyone could ahve caught me.

The Kiwi's are about to win.

West Indies 1st Innings

217 for 5 (59.0 overs)

There has to be a loser- could commentary that. OH someone just pulled out the old winner on the day is South African Rugby- I love it.

now that the cycling, sailing, and rugby are over what should I do, oh wait, my office episode is ready- one thing I will say for the brits is they do have good broad band speeds.

Ashes is back on Face book- that was bullshit- it was ashes you are correct.

Half time at the soccer- one decent shot for the half- edge of my seat I am.

The sailing is all over for the day.

If you look above you might see me saying Percy was kicking terrible- I was right. watching a replay of the final minute

Knock on went unnoticed 30 metres before the try.

Lynagh says it doesn't matter- I think we all know who he backed.

The hole was massive, side to side dragging the sharks around, big gap- pure gas.

Anyways, thats got to be the end I guess. Its been a fun way to spend an after noon.

5:25 PM - GOAL! Drogba in the 116th Minute- the art of football is reading the play!

Back to Life

So some of our more avid readers have noted in private conversations of late that there has been over a month between posts on everyone's favorite online journal, and there are few excuses for this laziness.

Basically your reporter, B A Tron has been struck down by a bad case of horrible routine. It is near impossible to come up with a weekly column of pure adventure and wit when you have fallen into a terrible rut of inactivity and boredom. The crowd keeps demanding more but I haven't been able to deliver. Things have become so bad, in fact, that when the opportunity to change the world came up I have to admit I passed. As our sister site reports (http://ficklish.blogspot.com/) recently 4500 Londoner's dared to dream enough
to set out and break one of the hardest records there is, they joined forces

and brought art to the masses as the Worlds Largest Coconut Orchestra (here is a YouTube link of the event).


(Joe Knorks, APF, and the Fonz at the event)

Now you may ask what is a Coconut Orchestra? and how does one go about becoming a coconut record holder? Well basically it is a situation where a couple thousand monkeys get together and bang too halves of a coconut together in order to make a beat- sound fun? you bet is does.

So why hasn't this story appeared on Funtheque before now? Because the rut the great B A Tron had fallen into was so deep that he passed on this once in a life time opportunity. That's how bad things had gotten.

But no more.

With the onset of summer, and the generosity of the British Government in giving me a Bank Holiday. I decided it was time to break out of the rut by going on B A Tron's and Joe Knorks Amazing and Excellent Adventure (tm) .

I decided that the only way to break the mold and haul myself out of this funk was to go on a one day jaunt through the heart of England. A day filled with so much adventure and excitement I couldn't help but begin to live again.

Here is a map of the adventure route:
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&hl=en&saddr=Hackney&daddr=Heathrow+Airport+to%3AStonehenge+to%3ABadminton+to%3ABath+to%3AHeathrow+Airport+to%3AHackney,+UK&mrcr=5&sll=51.47015,-1.410165&sspn=4.76421,2.955322&ie=UTF8&om=1&ll=51.407773,-1.137085&spn=1.207828,2.570801&z=9

So with my trusty side kick Joe Knorks as always loyally at my side we set off from the Pickle on a cold and dreary 6:30 AM morning with nothing but an open road before us and adventure on our minds. The first step was to catch the bus to Holborn, so that we could get the tube to Heathrow, so we could then get the hire car for the day- I know, it seems ridiculous that anyone would take an hour and a half just to get to the place where the hire car was, but that's just the kind of town London is. And don't think for a moment it was an hour and a half of pure mind numbing boredom in the early hours- no, I can advise anyone who comes to London that the Piccadilly line to Heathrow is one of the most exciting Tube journeys on the map!

So anyways, we finally get to Heathrow just after eight, and catch the courtesy bus out to the car rental place to hire out fantastic British version Em Mobile.


After a brief period of uncertainty I remembered how to drive again and we were off to our first port of call, you may have heard of it: STONEHENGE


(From Top: Joe Knorks hamming it up, BA Tron in the 4 the Grandkids shot, You can't see it but the yellow hat is a wallabies hat- two cheap arse aussies not paying the entry fee, and B A Tron playing the man of steel)

Stonehenge has been there about 5000 years which is quite impressive, and they rocks were very big, and it was in the middle of no where, but really overall it was a little underwhelming. Maybe not worth the 3 quid we had to fork out for the right to do a lap of the henge. Anyways, we did have quite a lot of fun hamming it up and taking silly photos.

So, it was time move on we got back into the mighty mobile and headed off for the Horse Trials at Badminton. It was about an hours drive but we managed to get lost, Joe Knorks having forgotten to pack the maps. But the beauty of England is its so small that you can get yourself out of trouble pretty easily, we eventually arrived at the Horse Trials, only to find that the main attraction, the wonderful Zara Phillips had pulled out, apparently she was too scarred. Doesn't bode well for her olympic chances, you need heart to take olympic gold, kind of like Aussie legend Matt Ryan (pictured) and his horse Bonza Katoomba.
The horse trials were fasanating. There were thousands of people there and the Jumps were huge. Evidence:

The horsey set were also quite funny, lots of popped colars and puffa vests. As we arrived at the grounds the sun came out so it was really quite a fantastic afternoon, walking miles over this huge country estate watching every now and then as a horse went by- good times.

Some of the jumps were a little confronting to see the horses go over live. The water, and sunken road jumps were sort of heart in the mouth type moments when ever horse and rider game to jump them. It was also a little confronting the next day to find out that two horses didn't last the night after doing battle with the Badminton Course. But overall I would recommend getting along to the horse trials to anyone.

So I bet your thinking that after fitting so much into our day all ready that Joe Knorks and I would be about ready to head back to London, but no such partyers are we that we decided to head south and check out historic and beautiful Bath.

Which I do have to say is quite historic and beautiful, the entire town, at least the bits they let you see are Georgian (no idea) architecture straight out of Jane Austin movies. We walked around the stone streets, went to the 17th century Abbey, almost went to the Roman Bath's (but there was a long line and they were charging 10 quid), sat at a local cricket ground in the sun, walked around the weir, and went to some cool markets- really quite a fun town.
However by this time we were both so tired that speech had stopped, the smiles were gone, and Joe Knorks' Dwags were barking so loud that people were looking at us. We decided to leave, unfortunately we parked at the top of a big hill so we couldn't walk very quickly. Funnily enough we parked on a street with a funny name, it was called 'Gay street' oh how we laughed.

Finally we were made it to the car and turned the mighty English version of the Em Mobile for London and home- or so we thought, after some brief navigation issues we decided to just go fast and hope we found the highway- luckily we did.

The M4 is a big six lane highway running east west from Bristol to London, and it is full of crazy maniac's going as fast as they possibly can. It was one of the most frightening experiences of my life, we were in this very small car going very very fast. At one point I looked down and realized we were being overtaken when we were going 100 miles per hour, it was all a bit helter skelter. Now, remember I have ridden in the kloss mobile at these sorts of speeds and havn't been scared, BUT this wasn't the kloss mobile.

The only could thing about racing across England at 130-160 KM's an hour is you can cross England really quickly at those speeds so we finally got back Heathrow at around 8 PM. Great we thought, home at last, but finding the Eurocar place, and a fuel station to fill the car up turned out to be a challenge, and frightening in its own way. We came out of a tunnel at one point and I swear to god a Lufthansa Airbus 330 landed on our heads, the car shook it came so close- we freaked. After half an hour we finally found fuel and got back to the Eurocar place and returned the England version of the Em Mobile.

Just before we left the rent a car place we got another flight, the Eurocar office is right next to the runway (like 70 metres) and a 747 took off right in front of us- it was loud, very, very loud. Joe Norks nearly cried but luckily I there to be the strong silent type.

So that's it- the most jam packed day in the history of the world- we finally got back to the Pickle at 11 pm - 17 hours after we left- that's touristing ladies and gentlemen- pure touristing.