The Spy Who Loved Me

Friday
The arrival of the kapitan, Le Chez, Mediterranean nights, The Cafe Love.

You may not be able to accept all of this, but every word is the truth. The Kapitan arrived on Friday looking suspiciously fresh for someone who had just flown across the Pacific. So we got his bags stowed away at the Pickle, had a quick greasy breakfast and then headed for Luton to catch the plane for our secret mission.

Things did not get off to a good start when we arrived at Luton Parkway train station to find out we had the wrong tickets for that train, the kapitan took the ticket guy off to the side and made him an offer he couldn't refuse- the ticket guy let us through. I'm not sure what secret agent skills he used to talk our way past the ticket guy, but it goes to show the kind of power that the great man wields.

Finally though we were on the plane and ready to go, but apparently EasyJet had made some sort of mistake with their scheduling so that our plane couldn't take off for over an hour after it was supposed to take off, eventually though the stalling weekend got on its way and we were off on our way to the south of France.

I had spent some time in the week leading up to the mission trying to work out how the flight details would work. Headquarters told me we would be leaving Luton at 2 and arriving in the Cote d'Azzure at 5, but on the way back we would be leaving the Med at 9 and getting back at 10. How could this happen? I wondered, luckily the Kapitan is a very experienced international man of mystery so quickly cleared this up for me by explaining the existence of time zones, the penny dropped!

Anyways, thanks to the EasyJet stuff up we didn't get into Nice until 6 pm, so when we finally got to the hotel, the kapitan went to sleep. At first I was worried, had he been poisoned? had one of our enemies got to us? No it just turns out he had been traveling for something like one hundred and forty hours so needed a sleep. I was left with the challenge of going out into the mean streets of Nice to find the third member of our mission team, Mace Windo the Kapitans personal chef (when your a spy with so many enemies it is important that you don't allow just anyone to touch your food).

Armed with three years of school boy French and the first three CD's of the Michel Thomas French program I was very confident in my ability to navigate around the town, unfortunately my Mobile Phone credit ran out, but as luck would have it Mace managed to find his way to the Hotel Beau Rivage all by himself, we quickly went to the bar to sort out a plan for the best way to support the kapitan on his secret mission. It turned out my French was good enough to order beers but was not good enough to make friends with the young French babes who were also at the bar, Mace's French also wasn't good enough for this purpose (although sometimes I wonder if our English would have been good enough for those babes). After a few beers we decided to wake up the Kapitan and get this mission started.

(The lads in the elevator with it all in front of them)

We headed off into the heart of Nice, the Kapitan wouldn't tell us what our mission was but it seemed to involve a lot of waiting around sitting in bars. The best bar was called the Cafe du Love which is on the main mall just down from the Med. Eventually we decided we needed food, so as you do whenever you visit a new country for the first time we went to Macdee's to try the Big Mac's. Most excitingly the Kapitan and Mace were able to have Le Royal's with Cheese(for those with no pop culture at all that is a Pulp Fiction reference) it was very exciting. After dinner the mission got serious for a moment we were looking for something, I'm not sure what it was but the Kapitan led the way and seemed very confident that he knew what he was doing, but basically we just walked around for a long, long time looking for a club, we didn't find one for hours, but I guess that is just the life of a secret agent. Eventually we found a likely looking club called the Dancing Discotheque- we went in. Unfortunately it wasn't the greatest club in the world so after a quick drink we headed home- the mission was not going well.

Saturday
Continental Breakfast, the TGV, Rain, A visit from God, Casino Royale, Loews, We make it to the Harbour, Q and A with Sir Stirling Moss, Fear and Loathing at Rascasse, Deleted Scenes.

(Kloss and Mace at le Cafe)

I woke up early and headed down for a quick dip in the Med, as you do, finally the Kapitan and Mace managed to get themselves out of bed and we headed off towards Monaco. A quick breakfast at the cafe, then the old TGV into the principality. Unfortunately when we got to the track it was raining, but that was all right cause it meant the practice was a little more exciting with some monkeys trying out wets and others on inter's- chaos ensued.

(Yes those are the pits)

Anyways once practice was over we went to find the Chef (who didn't have tickets) but being the rocking roller that he is he managed to get into the same area as us, so we went to the bar. Now being an international spy has benefits, one of which is that you get back stage access to certain things, so we all went for a walk upto the paddock, which is where we saw Adrian Sutil, Nick Heidfeld, and to top it off - The Rat Nicki Lauda (the burns look worse in real life). Anyways we killed the few hours till qualifying drinking, and taking photos of the boats in the harbour (Massive- more on this to come) and slapping each other on the back for being so Awesome. I'm not sure that much secret agent action went on, although the kapitan did spend a lot of time using his telephoto lense and at one point disappeared for a short while.

(SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME, SEVEN TIME WORLD CHAMPION (and all round nice guy))

Qualifying came along and was probably the most exciting motor racing period of the weekend. Q2 was absolutely fucking amazing- Kimi managed to clip the exit of Le Piscine (just up from where we were sitting) and then we had a great view of the Ferrari guys trying to get his axle fixed in the pits- they couldn't do it. Q1 was also fun as we were all going Aussie Mark crazy and he didn't disappoint (unlike Massa) by grabbing 6th place- could he win the next day? (more on this later) The other magic thing he did was make his car about three times wider for three corners during old Lewy Lewies flying lap- result he started second.

Once qualifying was done we were done with motor sports for the day, a change came over the Kapitan as he refocused on the job at hand. He immediately commanded the Chef to take us to the Casino- it was time for action. 1 hour 15 minutes later we had walked all the way around Monaco (up a massive hill- great views) and finally got to the Casino, the enemy was inside I could feel it. In we walked to one of the most famous gambling houses in the world and we were surprised to be asked for our passports. The kapitan handed over a passport for someone called Jim Lovell, I was about to comment that it wasn't his name but the chef quickly silenced me. When it was his turn the Chef tried to talk his way in, but eventually refused to give his passport- not letting any Itai wannabe get my details- he muttered as he stormed out. I was worried but the kaptian looked relaxed- I realized that the Chef was probably going to get us some back up.

We wondered into the bar, taking my cue from the rest of the day I went to order some lagers, but the kapitan (more experienced in these surroundings then I) quickly silenced me and ordered up a couple of 50 Euro a glass whiskeys. I quickly got the picture so when we got to the first table I threw a 100 euro on the table and got some chips, but apparently we weren't supposed to play roulette as the kapitan took over and subsequently went four spins without a dime coming our way- we were cleaned out.

We went to the cashier and the play all of a sudden became obvious when the Kapitan asked for a single 10 000 Euro chip- we were going to scare the enemy out of hiding by taking the ultimate gamble. But our enemies had all ready gotten to the Casino and they refused to cover the bet - undeterred the Kapitan muttered we'll do this the hard way and sat down at the Black Jack- Worried by his poor showing at Roulette I quickly sat down with him someone needed to carry the team at the gambling.

In the early shoes I was right to be worried, the kapitan was rubbish- he seemed on edge constantly eyeing off the two other people at our table- a smooth looking Frenchie who was sitting in position one and taking some outrageous hits and a huge fat man in a tuxedo sitting on the end playing very smart. At first I thought the Frenchie had to be the enemy but then noticed he was wearing what is obviously an Interpol issue Cartier watch, identical to the Kapitans, he must have been the back up the Chef was organising. The fat man played cagey some big hands some missed hands- I suddenly knew he was the enemey.

Slowly the pressure built, no one winning much but no one blinking, until finally (and thank the lord for non automatic shufflers) I realized the count was getting high, I doubled. The kapitan realized the single and the next hand immediately got involved. The fat man was no slouch himself and immediately hit a 21 by hitting on 16, but that was to be his last mistake. The kapitan looked out raged that he had taken such an insane risk and somehow managed to go on a run of four black jacks in a row. I went a long for the ride and suddenly we were a net 1500 Euro up, the fat man was wiped out.

Enemey defeated (or so I thought) we got up and went out to find the Chef.

(The exit of Lowes)

Outside the Chef had been busy, he had organised us entry to a party on a Yacht. So we headed off down the track, taking some time out to ham it up in the hairpin and then the Tunnel (the kapitan was elated after his victory over the fat man) and then finally we got to the Yacht.

The Lady Anna of Fire was to be our vessel, all 120 feet of pure opulence, but most importantly an open bar. I got quickly to work at the bar and with some of the old ducks on the boat, I was also excellently verbose when the Great Sir Stirling Moss came on board for some Q and A, but out of my sight the kapitan couldn't relax. He could sense the fear approaching- that is why he has spent so many years at spy school.

One minute I was standing there happy as larry and the next the kapitan and chef had grabbed me and told me we had to get out of their- Why? - I asked. Can't you feel it man - the kapitan hissed - the fear is all around us. We walked off the marina and rejoined the track at the Swimming Pool, by the time we got to Rascasse even I could feel it. The fear struck at what it thought was the weakest member of our party- the Chef, but when I was busy laughing at him it deflected its attack and grabbed me. Caught unawares I was swept up into the maddening rush of a full blown attack of the FEAR, our mission was in jeopardy.

DELETED SCENES DELETED SCENES DELETED SCENES DELETED SCENES

Sunday
The Worlds most Expensive Cab Ride, Here's to You Mrs Riakonin, The Full Spread, Mclaren Cheats, Don't Fly Easy Jet into Stanstead.

(The Kapitan caught on film, standing in front of the Med)

I awoke feeling bad and remembering less, but the Kapitan seemed in fine spirits- with our fine victory over the Fat Man and our battle with the Fear only resulting in one casulaty he seemed to think the mission was a success. We headed off for the Train to meet the chef only to find out that he was missing. Not wanting to be late for the party on our Yacht the Kapitan pressed a button on his watch and immediatly a cab appeared. The Chef had told us that Antibe (his home base) was only ten minutes down the road- 30 minutes later we met him at the station. By the time we got to Port Fontville to meet our tender the cab charge had risen to 180 Euro- I was ready to do a runner, but apparently Interpol has budget for this kind of thing (run through their covering company Mint Finance).

We then went down to face the challenge of finding our tender in a very French speaking part of France. But luckily your B A Tron is such an affable mother fucker he quickly made friends with old Willi Opitz, owner operator of Willi Oppitz wines, and friend to such luminaries as Kimi Riakonin and Bill Clinton (and one of the few people to ever hand feed the Kapitan honey due soaked in white wine( I strongly recommend his Kiss range- brilliant)). The affable Austrian, on his 11th visit to the Lady Anna quickly put us on track. Although we were very surprised when we got on the tender to find out we were cooling out jets because we were waiting for Mrs Riakonin, we were a little put off until we saw her, and let me tell you gentlemen she was a ten like you've never seen before.

(I thought it was John Cusak but the lads assure me that thats Ashton Kutcher)

The only other interesting story to come out of Port Fontville was when we saw Ashton Kutcher (or it may have been Jude Law) on the tender across from ours- the lads tell me he is a famous singer, but I'm not that interested in that kind of thing. Anyways the tender took us into the majestic Monaco harbor and once we had dropped Mrs Riakonin at her boat we went round to the Lady Anna and were happy to find out that the bar was open- good times.

(They know how to put on a spread on the Lady Anna of Fire)

Not much happened for a few hours, we pressed flesh, drank, then lunch came out- a good spread (see photo). We can recommend the Mediterranean Sail Fish (nearest the fork) as well as the the Cumin and Paprika three bean salad- tout le monde. The Tofu (I was drunk) was awful.

(We could see the famous entry to the Swimming pool from the other side of the boat but after McLaren cheated (like all Mercedes drivers) we watched the big screen in the hope they would change the channel)

Finally the race started and we settled down for what could have been one of the greatest sporting events ever (who will ever forget the 02 race when Colhtard held up a possession of six cars for 33 laps with a gap 1 to 6 of a little under five seconds) but No the Mclarens (read Lewis Hamilton the spineless Brit jerk (read the same as Princess Zara)) decided not to race. two hours alter the race was over- luckily the bar girls were busy during the race so they let me start free pouring my Bacardi's- that 1820 Bacardi (or whatever) is really quite good.

Anyways, by the end of the race your B A Tron was quite inebriated. After the race we tried our hand with some old ducks, then some younger ducks, then we just resorted to drinking Willi the Winemakers fine wines- there good I tell you. Anyways, the famous glint finally returned to the Kapitans eye and he started calling around to change our flight untill the next day- but eventually cooler heads (and the fact that when I switched to Bicardi he switched to water) prevailed- we left the Lady Anna of Fire with heavy hearts and headed for the Nice airport and home.

The reporting of the party on the boat has been deliberately sparse- I was never good enough at school boy English, and no one who has never been there could ever possibly understand what it means to stand on a super yacht, surrounded by other super yachts (with super women in little clothing) watching the words greatest sporting event can feel like. I will leave it to your imaginations.

Anyways we got to Nice to find our flight delayed, it was midnight and raining by the time we got to Stanstead- no stories except BA stayed on the piss whilst the kapitan nursed a coke, and their was a brief moment of the Ragged Edge on the plane when I made a dash to the john fearing a visit from my insides- but I managed to keep it in.

Arriving after midnight meant the train had stopped so we had to catch a bus- I finally arrived at the Pickle at 2:30 am, the Kapitan at the Soho Hotel at 3:30. All in all easily one of the Top 5 weekends of all time.